Live for the now and don’t regret the decisions you make or have made. In the end, it most likely was for the best and that you/he/she/they/I can do better. Most of the time when things don’t work out, its because it was not meant to be that way and that a better thing will be heading your way. Just keep your eyes open for it. It may not be now, it may not be tomorrow, but just know when it comes it will be worth it. It may even come when you least expect it and it may come in something you would never have expected.

Confession #75: Being Alone

I haven’t had time to myself completely in a long time. The time to re-evaluate my life, to think things through and decide what it is that means the most to me. What direction I’m going through in life and what it is I need to do to get there. People get hurt, people get upset and angry, and people are given up on. Even when I’m given up on, the only person I should know that will catch me is myself. I don’t want to have to rely on others for my happiness. That’s what I’ve discovered so far, that things shouldn’t matter to me if they don’t work my way because if it was meant to be, it would be. I just need to learn to be able to survive, on my own.

Crying to a point where you hyperventilate just makes things so much more worse. You cry to this extent because your feelings have become unbearable. You can’t hide the way you feel anymore because its just so much work keeping all your emotions pent up. I know that people say that love and life can be a game. Its tricky, but I will abide by your rules and regulations. Whatever you want, I’ll do.

It sucks knowing you can only choose one and having to let go of the other. Holding on to two things at the same time doesn’t only make you feel greedy, but it also influences so many of the choices you make. The memories you made in the past versus the memories you can make in the present/future come in to question. They make you wonder about so much. Like, even your own self-worth is brought into question. Are you worth this person’s time? Do you mean anything to this person? Was it all a lie? Just certain things raise questions in my head and I can’t help but feel so vulnerable in a sense where I can be gullible to just about anything and everything revolving around my feelings. 

It hurts being reminded constantly of what it is I’m letting go of. I’m letting go of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everywhere I look, every time I dress up in the morning, there’s always something that reminds me of you. I can’t just get rid of the things we traded, things we gave each other, things we had. I can’t just throw away memories just like that. But it’s also wrong for me to want to stay with someone if its all based on memories. I want to be with you for the now and the future as well. The entire cycle of past, present, and future are things that I want to include in the relationship. I need all three to be a part of something more, to be able to grow with someone.

This is a lot harder on me than you think it is.

One of the harder things I’ve ever had to do was let the love of my life go. The reason for me to let him go is for me to be able to find myself, to be able to centre my feelings and make sure I love him one hundred percent. On this journey, this road to discovery, I plan on figuring out if I can still love him one hundred percent or if its really over. So for now, I am saying goodbye and if we do meet down the road again I will be ready to love you fully, but as of right now, I don’t think I can.

You deserve the best from someone, someone who can love you one hundred percent and whole heartedly. You need that and I just can’t give that to you. I was able to give it to you for a full year and a bit more but right now I’m conflicted. This war is a war inside of myself, a fight for the love that burns inside my heart. Right now, I don’t feel like its fair to anyone for me to say I love them in my current state, so I just hope you understand that I’m doing this because I feel you deserve better.

I’ve always said that you did, and I’ve said it many times in our relationship, but you always reassured me that I was the best for you. You always did your best for me, and I just feel terrible because I can’t be the best for you, not right now at least. You have plenty of other things to worry about as well and I don’t want to intervene with that. So please stay focused on yourself and forget about me. Forget about the good times if you have to and think about the bad. Hate me, if that helps you to focus on yourself, but just know that I do love you and I always will love you.

That awkward moment when you realize that you meant nothing. 

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the nicotine withdrawal that makes me act the way I do. I have such a high sensitivity towards all my emotions and it hurts so much sometimes. I take things so much more seriously than I should and I feel bad sometimes because I hurt people I really shouldn’t >: it hurts me so much because I don’t like hurting the ones I love. Sometimes I feel like I’m being taken advantage of and sometimes I feel like I’m the one taking advantage of others. Altogether I feel that I should be saying sorry because of the way I’ve been acting. I should say sorry because I’m not acting the way I should be mainly because I feel so selfish.