The New Divinity

So I’m not paying all this money to study in school and not get good grades. I want to be able to say I went to school, paid for it myself, and excelled in my studies. I am currently deciding on whether I want to do a double major in English and Economics and a minor in French. I also want to do co-op and make sure my job positioning isnt sacrificed. Altogether, I’m aspiring to become a teacher in either Business or English.

Lately I’ve been saying sorry a lot to you this week and it feels like it’s the only thing that I can say to you. I don’t think I’ve tehnically done anything wrong in specific, but apparently everything I do is wrong. I haven’t made enough time to respond to you the way you want me to and I don’t know what it is exactly that you want me to say, but the words “I’m sorry”, are what seem to keep coming out of my mouth. I don’t like feeling like this, sorry for everything. Is that what love is? Feeling sorry for always hurting someone. I’m sorry that everything I do hurts you, I don’t think I do enough sometimes.

So I took my afternoon nap like I normally do, but the dream I had was strange. It started off with me and babe going on a date, and then I went to school and this girl came up to me and was asking me stuff. And then she tried hitting on me and stuff and I wanted to offend her really badly because what I found her doing was repulsive. I ended up screaming to her and everyone else around me, “I’m Gay!” I didn’t even say bisexual or anything like that, it just came out as gay. I wonder if it means anything.

Everyone should know what I’m talking about. The tv “perfect” body where you have those diesed arms, ripped abs, and nothing but a tight look altogether. That’s my goal for this summer, specifically by my birthday. After that, I will honestly do my best to maintain it because I want to keep that body for as long as I can. I’ve been working really hard at it, I’ve been going to the gym five times a week now and I do notice results. It’s just a matter of remaining focused. How badly do I want this? Really bad.

Knowing you have to give something up can be one of the worst feelings in the world. I can’t just throw something away I worked so hard for. But what’s hard for me to realize is that there are times where you HAVE to give up. If it benefits you and your friends, I don’t see why you wouldn’t give it up. One of the hardest things for me was giving up smoking, but with the right friends for support, anything is possible.

What I try not to let people see is how I actually feel. It bothers me when EVERYONE knows what I actually think and feel. But I’m glad I have those friends where all I have to do is share a look and they already know what I’m thinking. It’s one of the best things about a friendship because it shows how much of a connection you two have. Words don’t need to be exchanged, sort of like that scene in Bridesmaids. Just a look and you understand what the other person is thinking.

-kakashi:

• When a person laughs too much, even on stupid things, that person is sad deep inside
• When a person sleeps a lot, that person is lonely
• When a person talks less and if he talks fast, that person is keeping a secret
• When a person can’t cry, that person is weak
• When a person eats in an abnormal way, that person is in tension
• When a person cries on little things, that person is softhearted
• When someone asks about you although that someone is busy, he/she really loves you

It’s funny how much a person can change in a year. You think you know and understand someone, and then all of a sudden, they become a completely different person. You used to be able to guess what they would be thinking, and you used to be able to know off the bat what they were going to order. All of a sudden, you try completing their sentence, and you find yourself struggling or not on the same train of thought anymore. The person you once knew is no more. What do you do though, when the person that you thought you knew, is yourself?

Despite the thunderstorm today, I had a lot accomplished. My dad paid for my phone bill the night before but then he sent me money today as well, so I’m kind of weirded out by it. My dad is never like that when it comes to money and me. But the rest of the day went well. I went to the gym early in the morning and then rearranged my room. After that I went grocery shopping with my friend Cam-Tu and then for the first time in my life I made chicken adobo :D It was surprisingly so good. I ended up walking her home because I was scared for her life but I think I was more scared walking home alone afterwards. It was a good day altogether, just need to wake up on time for class tomorrow!

It’s been hard for me to make friends. I feel like everytime I let someone into my inner circle, they end up leaving me sooner or later. It’s just hard to trust people these days because people tend to share their problems with me, but when I need to share my problems, no one seems to care. I feel like I’m the one usually used as a punching bag, and I’m just thrown away as soon as people are done with me. That’s why right now I have just a close knit group of friends. I don’t tell my story to everyone, I don’t trust just anyone anymore.

How do you know when you’re in love? There are many things that can reassure the way you feel about someone. It’s the skipped heartbeat you get from a simple text, phone call or smile. The nervousness and butterflies you get in your stomach that make you feel dizzy when you see them. It’s the anxiety you feel when you don’t see them at all. And most of all, it’s the worrisome feeling you get when they don’t respond to you. Love does these weird things, but I still haven’t discovered its true purpose. To each his own I guess.