I remember a lot of things. Vaguely remember the good stuff, but cross me or hurt me once and I will remember it for the rest of my life. I’m the type of person that says, “Remember the time you…” as a sort of payback for the time that I’ve been hurt by you. “You” of course being anyone that has ever crossed me. I can’t let go of the times that I’ve been hurt because I can easily forgive, but it’s near impossible for me to forget.
One thing I really hate about myself is that I have a really addictive personality. It all started when I was little and I just could not get enough of what I thought to be a good thing. At first it was Sailor Moon, Power Rangers and even my Spice Girls phase. I was addicted and had to have everything. Now it’s computer games. In high school it started with Ragnarok and now its League of Legends. I am addicted to it and obsessed with it. I just, really need to learn how to control my addictive personality.
Its sort of weird, in a way where I can build the confidence I need from what people tell me. If they tell me they believe in me, if they tell me I can do something I am doubtful of, I feel like I can do it. On the other hand, I feel like I need to prove a point when people are doubtful of me. I feel like I have something to prove, just to see them wrong. Having the support from people just gives you the confidence, especially when they give you a long, heart-felt lecture inspiring you to want to do your best. Yeah, actions speak louder than words, but its heart-felt words that can mean so much.
Yeah, I hate it when people I play against blame their deaths on lag, or when a team member who chases into a turret blames their death on lag. But when I’m actually lagging it pisses me even more off because I don’t think anyone believes me when I say I’m lagging. To be quite honest, I don’t do anything to hurt any one else game time or internet time in the house, so I just hope that no one would do it to me. Apparently its too much to ask for in this house which makes me angry most of the time. Yeah, its a game, I get it, but compare it to, when you’re watching a movie or TV show and it gets to the climax and then it pauses and stops loading, or it lags and freeze frames. Or when you’re on a Skype call and it disconnects and reconnects you. Or when you’re playing a game of CoD or Halo and you disconnect.
I don’t know, but I do have consideration for others, I just hope others can have consideration of me.
If someone speaks ill of you, there isn’t much of me to expect of you except something bad. I don’t think this is a really fair way of meeting people, especially if its for the first time. It’s not fair to the person who now has to redeem themselves because of someone speaking rumours about them. I am guilty of this, all the time. I need to learn to give people chances. If I am meeting someone for the first time, it’s only fair they have a clean slate. So continue to speak your trash about someone, but until I get to know them, I won’t be going by your judgment. I won’t be risking a new friendship because of a blind judgment.
Something that sucks about me the most is that I don’t really know how to let go of grudges. If you want to talk things through, great I’ll speak with you but it doesn’t mean I’m overlooking what’s happened or that I’m just going to forget what you did to me. Anything, big or small, I will remember most of the things you’ve done to me, especially the negative. It’s not something I like to do, but it’s how I’ve grown up. The sad part is, this includes grudges I can form against myself. I have such heavy guilt and at the same time I can’t forgive or forget what I’ve done to myself. You know what they say, you’re your own worst critic.
Since the number seems appropriate, I think I should leave a dirty confession. There isn’t a time where I haven’t enjoyed cumming inside my significant other. It is like a part of me is always with them and it is a part of me I don’t share withe everyone so it’s really special to me. I don’t know if I’m considered weird because of it, but I really do think it has a deeper meaning than just busting a nut in someone. It’s special, you’ve shared a beautiful moment with someone and you know that it’s a deeper meaning because it’s a private interaction two people who are truly in love can only share and feel.
I haven’t had the focus or drive to do much lately, and it’s because I’ve become too comfortable. Too comfortable in my daily routines of barely doing anything. I want to give myself the drive, but I really don’t see a point in anything right now. Although my life right now seems perfect, I do gree that there are things I’ve got to look forward to in my future. I just need to keep in mind that no matter how perfect life can seem right now, it can always be better. So that is what I’m going to keep as my motivation, a bigger and brighter future and not just for myself, but with my baby.
When I get into a bad game, or when I play a bad game, I get really frustrated. Mostly with myself but I end up taking it out on other people. Just like everyone else, I don’t like blaming myself, but I can and do take responsibility for the things I know I’ve done wrong. But what I consider bad games are when people kill steal, don’t help in team fights, and when I don’t get any recognition for sacrificing myself to let three other people live. It just sucks because I hate things like that happening. And I also hate when people say ks is “kill secure”, fucking bullshit, get your own fucking kills, noob.
So, League of Legends has completely destroyed my life and I’ve been addicted to this game for the longest time. It’s consumed me slowly and now I just can’t stop playing. I know I sound like a loser right about now, but I’m glad I get to hang out with the best friend this week. It’ll help me get over this whole addiction thing. I just hope I won’t suffer from withdrawal or anything. But yeah, this is an unhealthy addiction and I really need to get over it.
It can be both a blessing and a curse. I never back down from anything, a promise, a responsibility, a dedication, or when I know I’m right. Don’t expect me to apologize or grovel for forgiveness when I strongly believe I did nothing wrong. If that is ever the case, then I guess we both won’t be speaking to each other for a while. It isn’t like me to do it, but once I commit to something, I am never backing down.
So I just started my mini summer vacation after school and I haven’t really been getting sleep. And the repercussions of this is that I get really cranky and angry. I say things and do things I shouldn’t be doing. I get so angry easily and it’s always towards the people I love the most. I know I shouldn’t be taking it out on anyone else, but I don’t seem to be able to control my anger. I don’t know if I need anger management, or if there’s something actually wrong with me. But, I don’t like it.
For some reason, all I know and all I ever remember is the negative things that have happened to me. Sure the positive things feel great at the time, but the negative leave bigger, deeper scars. They have an imprint that just doesn’t want to be forgotten. As much as you want to let it go, as much as you don’t want to remember the pain, it’s still there. It haunts you. It haunts me. I sometimes feel like I have no other choice but to think negatively because it sets me up for a better outcome. If I think the worst and get something slightly better, it’s at least better than what I was expecting. I’m not entirely pessimistic, but it’s just better for me to think like this because I feel safeguarded.
When someone says “brb”, or “I’ll message you when I get back”, and then they don’t say anything when they are actually back makes me upset. Lately I;ve been contemplating on things and it’s just the fact that when people don’t tell you when they are back makes you feel like you’re being ignored. That and the person doesn’t really want to talk to you or interact with you. When someone says brb and then YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW they are doing something else just makes me feel like they are avoiding me. If you don’t want to talk to me, just let me know. I’d rather you be real with me than to make up some bullshit excuses not to talk to me.
There are times when I disapprove of it, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with two people wanting to express their love. If they are comfortable with letting the world know that they are together, it just makes them feel like they are unavailable to the rest of the world. They are excluded just to each other and don’t want or need anyone else because they have each other. Yeah, they could do it in the privacy of their own bedroom, but it only makes sense to me that people in love should be able to display it inside and outside of the bedroom. To express it to the world, letting them know how comfortable you are and not being afraid to let people know that you are taken by such an amazing person. That’s why I acknowledge and approve of public displays of affection.