Live for the now and don’t regret the decisions you make or have made. In the end, it most likely was for the best and that you/he/she/they/I can do better. Most of the time when things don’t work out, its because it was not meant to be that way and that a better thing will be heading your way. Just keep your eyes open for it. It may not be now, it may not be tomorrow, but just know when it comes it will be worth it. It may even come when you least expect it and it may come in something you would never have expected.
Crying to a point where you hyperventilate just makes things so much more worse. You cry to this extent because your feelings have become unbearable. You can’t hide the way you feel anymore because its just so much work keeping all your emotions pent up. I know that people say that love and life can be a game. Its tricky, but I will abide by your rules and regulations. Whatever you want, I’ll do.
It sucks knowing you can only choose one and having to let go of the other. Holding on to two things at the same time doesn’t only make you feel greedy, but it also influences so many of the choices you make. The memories you made in the past versus the memories you can make in the present/future come in to question. They make you wonder about so much. Like, even your own self-worth is brought into question. Are you worth this person’s time? Do you mean anything to this person? Was it all a lie? Just certain things raise questions in my head and I can’t help but feel so vulnerable in a sense where I can be gullible to just about anything and everything revolving around my feelings.
It hurts being reminded constantly of what it is I’m letting go of. I’m letting go of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everywhere I look, every time I dress up in the morning, there’s always something that reminds me of you. I can’t just get rid of the things we traded, things we gave each other, things we had. I can’t just throw away memories just like that. But it’s also wrong for me to want to stay with someone if its all based on memories. I want to be with you for the now and the future as well. The entire cycle of past, present, and future are things that I want to include in the relationship. I need all three to be a part of something more, to be able to grow with someone.
This is a lot harder on me than you think it is.
One of the harder things I’ve ever had to do was let the love of my life go. The reason for me to let him go is for me to be able to find myself, to be able to centre my feelings and make sure I love him one hundred percent. On this journey, this road to discovery, I plan on figuring out if I can still love him one hundred percent or if its really over. So for now, I am saying goodbye and if we do meet down the road again I will be ready to love you fully, but as of right now, I don’t think I can.
You deserve the best from someone, someone who can love you one hundred percent and whole heartedly. You need that and I just can’t give that to you. I was able to give it to you for a full year and a bit more but right now I’m conflicted. This war is a war inside of myself, a fight for the love that burns inside my heart. Right now, I don’t feel like its fair to anyone for me to say I love them in my current state, so I just hope you understand that I’m doing this because I feel you deserve better.
I’ve always said that you did, and I’ve said it many times in our relationship, but you always reassured me that I was the best for you. You always did your best for me, and I just feel terrible because I can’t be the best for you, not right now at least. You have plenty of other things to worry about as well and I don’t want to intervene with that. So please stay focused on yourself and forget about me. Forget about the good times if you have to and think about the bad. Hate me, if that helps you to focus on yourself, but just know that I do love you and I always will love you.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s the nicotine withdrawal that makes me act the way I do. I have such a high sensitivity towards all my emotions and it hurts so much sometimes. I take things so much more seriously than I should and I feel bad sometimes because I hurt people I really shouldn’t >: it hurts me so much because I don’t like hurting the ones I love. Sometimes I feel like I’m being taken advantage of and sometimes I feel like I’m the one taking advantage of others. Altogether I feel that I should be saying sorry because of the way I’ve been acting. I should say sorry because I’m not acting the way I should be mainly because I feel so selfish.
I feel like tumblr is the best place for me to vent. About the terrible things, the happy things, the stupid things and just the general things I need to get off my mind. It’s weird how much you can trust someone and then they just ruin it. We end up just losing how much we’ve worked towards together and it just seems like a waste of time. Trust is one of the major things in my life that I don’t want to worry about because I can usually tell when someone is trustworthy. A true friend will remain trustworthy, and an even truer friend will tell you when something is going on behind your back.
For two hours now I’ve just been trying to keep in contact, trying to get to know what’s up. But since you refuse to answer my messages or accept my calls, I’m assuming the worst. Why do I do that? Because I’ve been fucked over one too many times and would it hurt you to realize that? To maybe be different from everyone else? Or maybe I’m not cut out to do this just yet. I definitely have been through a lot, but it just hurts to know that out of all people, you could make me feel like this again. Like the absolute worst person in the world.
I couldn’t help but keep thinking this over but it’s been bothering me. So there’s a convention that happens once a year and there’s also a once in a lifetime deal happening as well. That once in a lifetime thing being either a wedding, birth, funeral, whatever you choose, would you go to that lifetime thing or the convention? Answer seems kind of obvious, the lifetime thing, especially if it was you who it affected the most. Now, if your boyfriend/girlfriend had a once in a lifetime deal happening the same time as your convention, would you go be with him/her or would you apologize and say that your convention is more important? Just wondering.
So currently, I’m facing a permanent ban from my account that I’ve had for a year on the NA Server and it’s frustrating only because I spent a lot on that account T__T. Anyways, I do still play, just trying to cut back and not play as frequently, if anyone is still interested in playing add me (:
IG: Frost Dragox
The way I see it, people always leave things off for “tomorrow”, but what I’ve come to term with and realized is that there is no tomorrow/tomorrow never comes. Never leave anything for the last minute and do all you can today because you never know what tomorrow brings. What I want to plan on doing is for today, and today I plan on doing a couple of things:
- No more junk food
- No more hard liquor (beer/wine in moderation is okay)
- No more smoking
- Exercising daily is probably the best way to stay fit
- Getting ahead of school work
These are things I have planned on starting today and I’m just hoping that I have the dedication and commitment to keep to it.
Apparently I excel in hurting people.
So far I’ve been enjoying my staycation after school, and finally finished all of Pretty Little Liars. So many valuable lessons learned, but the number one thing I’ve learned from that show is that secrets will be the end of you. Any secrets kept between two people is often used as blackmail. Anyways, any friend who threatens to use any of my secrets against me isn’t a friend and probably shouldn’t be trusted. Not that any of my friends would ever do that to me. Anyways, really curious about what was in the trunk of Wilden’s car. :o
School has not been the priority this term, I’m just glad it’s over and done with. To be completely honest, so many other things have crossed my mind and I really do wish that I could take a break. My parents want me to finish school as fast as I can because I took such a long time off. I know what it means to them for me to have to finish school as fast as I can. I can help them with bills and the mortgage and stuff, and even with my siblings education, but I want to take my time with school. Eventually, I do want to graduate and do well in my life, but I feel like school is just such a burden to me right now. My head hurts.